If It Didn't Suck....

Looking back again over my life, in yet another attempt at self realization, and with the help or hindrance of a friend I am left to analyze the reason(s) that I do not have success in relationships. (That is of the boyfriend/girlfriend type) I was told on this particular occasion, by my friend that it is because of my splintered, or fractured personality. (One piece of back story, the occasion that this was told to me was when we were having dinner, a birthday dinner, for her birthday, which I was treating that this not so delicate "reading" of me was revealed)

I often know I am me and also C and this I have mentioned previously. C is the abrasive, funny, perhaps sometimes mean and sarcastic, snotty or whatever simultaneous, rather than alter ego I possess. Douglas, I guess is the shy self and now I am told by my friend that I am also Doug, who is a mixture of both or perhaps neither of the other two.

So the three of me, according to this latest interpretation of my psyche, all reside in me as one. was told by once by my ex wife that she loves Doug (now known for the terms of this blog as Douglas) and that C is a bastard. She hated C. C, as she said. is a motherfucker. While that may be true, that part of me, C, saved me from staying a loveless and life suffocating marriage. C saved me from being taken advantage of. When I let that side of me tale over, I was able to get my life back and on track. Now back to my splintering, as it were...

It is my friend's hypothesis that women are confused by me, that I am an enigma because Douglas has it all together. Doug is funny and brash and a bit bawdy. C is a mess with all his ghetto language and the "don't give a shit attitude" that seems to permeate the room when he is around. However its when I am truly in
my comfort zone that I allow C to be free. When I date, he is never set loose.

Inevitably, within the first few dates the relationship fizzles and the lady says lets be friends. Now perhaps this is a lie but I am pursued, for some reason, for this new friendship, though it is always rebuked by me. If the offer of friendship was true and I accepted the offer, I would have countless female friends and no companionship. As it is now I have few but very close friends that I feel are like family; half of whom are women. I contend why should I always be so easy to read? is it not a great challenge to discover all the nuances of a person. Now I am three -according to my friend-and when I say no i rather not be friends with a woman who breaks up with me, I look like a pompous ass.

How can someone who knows me such a short time contend to know me? She didn't date me, so how does she claim to know why I am not successful in relationships?
I come across as a"nice guy" who also is very funny and is a good listener. All of these traits ensconced in one diverging self. C is always there, reigning it in. I guess some cannot handle the full effect even though these are all aspects of who I am and I guess while others are accused of "putting on airs", I most definitely put on my ghetto - and when I am in full ghetto mode - it sounds authentic, and while it appears that I am merely "keepin it real" I am really not. It is a facade. I can be whoever and whatever people need me to be at a particular moment, but then you ask what is there left for me? The real me...

Who is the real me? Hmmmm well, long story short, well not so short as it were but bear with me a bit longer...A blend of fractured and mismanaged upbringing, society's affect, and effects, broken promises, lies, defense mechanisms - some in place and some - gone awry, and the need to be part of something, anything, even for a moment despite my solitude being cherished as a rare family heirloom...though my family is all gone and left me nothing and well

These splintered, fractured, shattered aspects are what makes me unique. These differences are what makes all of us unique. And like the old adage says, well the old adages that has been amended by me, "If someone doesn't like me for who I am then FUCK THEM!!!!

I apologize not for my thoughts or vulgarity but only for my verbosity. If it didn't suck.....

There are many times that I want to start over, leave everything behind, load up my Jeep and leave - destination unknown. I think I would start with a sprawling roadtrip until the last of my money, the last few checks, dwindle away; or at least they finally realize that I am never going to be back this way again. I wish Ihad the balls to just disappear into Americana and become someone else or just be me living a new life or perhaps a better one?

Is that running away from one's problems? Not so sure anymore. I am now divorced, without any children. As of the end of this month I will have cleared all my outstanding debts - student loans not withstanding. but then again who really cares about those anyway?-and am living free and clear albeit check to check.

Sometimes I want my life to be more than just ordinary, I want it to be vibrant and dynamic and different and unique. Sometimes I covet another's life while wanting to shuck the dead husks of my own.

I want to load up my Jeep, condense my life into the 5 or so cubic feet of space I have in the storage area and drive away, never looking back. Then, however, I think that it is something I should have done a couple of decades ago, when I was fresh out of High School and full of potential, but I had responsibilities to live up to; people depended on me. Perhaps while I was in college, I could have taken a semester off and toured the countryside but I made excuses, though those were few and the burdens were many, that wasn't a good time for it either. My lamentation of the exploring the caress of the open road continues to elude me.

My job, the only means of support, some close friends, well the ones who truly know me, are the only who truly understand me are the only things hard to sever, though I have unlimited texting and incalling so that may not be so bad...

I wonder what it would be like to go on this solo trio of mine, destination unknown, only stopping somewhere nice, somewhere that may feel more like home to me than home ever did. If I ever really had a home. Hmmm Pulling up there - wherever there is - and staying. Staying only if the love of the open road is finally consummated.

I went on a schooner the other day. It was an interesting activity keeping in mind I have an inordinate fear of drowning. The day was a bit crisp, but it was a wonderful ride. I ruminated on the irony of me and my friends shortcomings. She gets motion sick and needs to wear a patch for her illness. However, she can stand and be steady on the rocking ship. I love the motion in the ocean (no homo) but have no sea legs whatsoever; I said that between the two there is one seafaring person and one basket case. Despite that it was a great thing to do, about two hours traveling from the seaport to the statue of liberty and back. I took as many pictures with my digital camera as possible from the rooted seat where I was planted for the entire ride. Speaking of rooted, when the passengers were asked to help hoist the sails and whatnot, though I stayed rooted to my seat on deck though to catch a shot of another passing schooner in front of the statue of liberty, I did stand and get it, I was proud of myself in that infinitesimally brief moment. It was a fun day traveling at a slow steady 8 knots, which I was told, was bout a mile an hour. It could have been a bit warmer but other than that it was an awesome experience.

Recently, after my divorce and relocation, I decided well to take care of myself for one of the first times ever. Aside from the previous blog and my dental fiascos I sought out a new doctor, new sleep doctor, and well for the first time, aside from marriage counseling; a psychologist. Perhaps to analyze why I do the things I do, why I pick the wrong women, or, more importantly, how to stay happy. No short order I know but as I sit there, in the few sessions I have had, I have come to realize that I pretty much know my foibles and the motivations for the things I do, so why do I go you ask, the short answer is that the visits are covered by my insurance. LOL The long answer is I guess that it is nice to be able to unload, hypothesize and get feedback. It is also interesting to see the reactions on my therapists face when I relay stories from my past, I can tell that, at the very least, I am being listened to. I have always been good at self realization and at times I feel it is an exercise in futility, though I must admit it is good to be listened to, then again I am paying this person to listen. Oh well, if it didn’t suck…..